(Continued from Part 2)
A few years back I tried to get in touch with her again through this mutual friend, Molly said she couldn’t go back there again or something to that extent. Which means she buried it, the pain the suffering the agony and the anguish. Just like I did, oh how I buried it, I rebounded hard into a relationship with a girl who was acted so crazy words couldn’t describe. But, she flirted with me gave me the attention I sought and made me feel desired and wanted. I needed that so much after all that pain I had gone through, I put up with her craziness because she accepted me.
Now here I sit typing all this, remember and feeling things I haven’t felt in years, amazed at it all, amazed that I made it through. Though, I think I lost my mind somewhere in those nine months, lost something at least. I told that girl I would wait for her and I was serious, but nine months with nothing not even a one word sentence, it killed a part of me. Then through my other relationships I’ve relived it over and over.
Floating on the sea of my past relationships praying to find dry land somewhere and leave the ocean behind.
Coming back to the parents though, parents seem to think they know all and know better. But do they ever stop to think about what will happen down the road? Do they stop think what they did when they were younger? I hated her parents for so long, there’s a part of me that still does. It’s a part I need to work on, to forgive them and to forgive Molly. To forgive for the silence, and for letting me go, for not paying attention to me and showing me she loved me and cared about me. Because I thought she did, and she was the first, it was the world to me.
Every relationship I’ve been in somehow seems to wind back to, the way the relationship goes, things I see that remind me of the past. Thinking I have moved on each time, but I haven’t. While this seems shocking, it really is very common in psychology world, this is why psychologist always want to backtrack from a problem, I.e “tell me about you’re mother”, Though really it should be, “Tell me about your parents relationship”. Because if we take a magnifying glass to our parents relationship we will discovery many of the same attributes in our own relationship(s). While we were growing up, our brains were changing and forming all those of childhood and teenage-hood. So we watched as they lived their lives being our psychological model, now this can’t be helped. It’s unconscious and takes place on a level we are not even generally aware of, except for those times we wake up and go, “oh Jesus this is just like my parents relationship.”
We do this, we get in relationships with other people to help us grow and learn about our past that we’ve forgotten and buried. To grow and become more conscious from our experiences, to live a better life. The life our parents couldn’t live, but a life we can live, it isn’t about the past, it isn’t about the future, all that matters is what we do today, now.
With this, anything can be done, any life can be lived that I choose, but it takes that work and dedication to myself and to the life I want to live in order to cultivate it into my every day life.